Self-love can be challenging for a million reasons. For me, it used to be hard because I didn’t think I deserved it. I felt stupid when I tried to “love myself”. After I started to understand that self-love was something I was worthy of, as any other human is, it was still hard– I had no idea what it was supposed to look like. The idea of self-love seems so simple, yet difficult to pin down for so many of us. And, it certainly doesn’t help that self-love has been commodified into an aesthetic, something that involves buying tons of products for yourself. Many of us also find that it veers dangerously close to narcissism and self-centeredness, especially when it leads to neglecting our relationships with others for the sake of self-love. Or it simply doesn’t feel like it’s working. You sit in a bathtub, surrounded by candles and feel-good music, but you think to yourself “why isn’t this working!!”. If any of this sounds familiar: I get you, I’ve been there, and I’m finally starting to understand it better. In this post, I will share what I’ve learned so far about self-love: what it is, how it differs from self-centeredness and self-indulgence, how I can tell I’m truly loving myself, and finally, ways to love yourself.
First of all.. what is self-love?
Self-love is about prioritizing your needs and honoring your feelings. Self-love is about being patient and gentle when things feel difficult. Self-love is about forgiving yourself when you make a mistake or didn’t do as well as you wanted to. Self-love isn’t delusional, it is realistic; loving yourself means having a good understanding of your strengths and your weaknesses. Self-love is realizing you deserve the compassion you so freely give to others. You love yourself because you realize that if you don’t, your mental and physical health will suffer, and you won’t be able to take care of others.
Is self-love spoiling yourself? The difference between self-love and self-indulgence.
I like to think of self-love as parenting yourself– lovingly but firmly. Imagine a parent taking care of their child. Spoiling a child by never saying “no” to them, or letting them stay up all night, eat unhealthy food every day, skip class, and be unkind to others is a form of neglect. Likewise, while taking a day off every once in a while to relax or indulging in the occasional sweet treat can lead to great happiness, having no limit to how much un-nutritious food you eat and taking bubble baths while ignoring the work you need to do can be self-neglect.
The key here is knowing your limits and being mindful of your long-term well-being; loving yourself means taking care of future you. It means doing regular exercise that your body can handle, going to bed on time, and doing your work on time. Procrastinating is a form of self-hatred, specifically of neglecting your future self. Why do you think your future self wants to do that assignment any more than you do now? Yes, sometimes it is useful to delay a task if you truly cannot get it done now and need to prioritize something else, but let’s be real: that’s not usually what happens when we procrastinate.
If the parent-child analogy isn’t sticking, you can try talking to yourself like you are talking to your best friend. You’d want to be compassionate, yet honest toward them. If you think your best friend is doing something harmful to themselves (e.g., is in a toxic relationship or neglecting their bodily or financial health), you’d want to point that out, earnestly but gently, with their long-term best interest at heart. So sometimes, self-love is sitting your butt down and getting work done, going to the gym when you’re kind of not feeling it, or leaving a relationship that isn’t working. Sometimes it means realizing you need to invest or save money rather than spending it on hundreds of “self-care”-branded products that aren’t doing it for you.
Just as every child deserves love, attention, and care, so too do you deserve to give yourself that same love, attention, and care. I don’t care if you did something hurtful a few times, or feel incompetent or worthless–as a human being who is learning and trying their best, you deserve to take care of yourself. And, the best way to move forward from doing something unwise or hurtful is to nurture yourself into becoming a better, kinder, and wiser person. The world does not benefit from you punishing yourself.
Is self-love narcissism? Is it self-centered to set boundaries?
But isn’t it narcissistic to love yourself? If self-love feels narcissistic, you are either struggling with self-esteem and self-worth (which can be improved! You are worthy of kindness!), or you are confusing self-love with self-centeredness. Self-love doesn’t mean you view yourself as superior to others and have the right to be mean or degrading toward them. With self-love, you put your needs first. Think about it this way–on a flight, we are instructed to put our own oxygen mask on first before helping others put on theirs. This is a great metaphor for life; we cannot help others effectively if we don’t take care of ourselves first. So, it is the opposite of selfish to put your needs first; it is in fact necessary. What actually is selfish is putting your wants above others’ needs. It is selfish to think you can’t do anything for others without expecting something in return; you can do generous things for others without sacrificing yourself.
Here are some ways I help differentiate selfishness from self-love:
- Self-centeredness tends to come from a scarcity mindset– it may have a sense of competitiveness and a view of life as a zero-sum game; self-love comes from an abundance mindset–there is plenty of love and energy and resources to go around, but you know your own energy is limited.
- Unlike self-centeredness, self-love is not at odds with being generous and compromising; it is simply not to the degree that you start sacrificing your own needs (i.e., unhealthy self-sacrifice). Unlike self-centeredness, self-love does not involve putting others’ wants before your needs.
- Self-centeredness involves lack of accountability; self-love is about taking responsibility for yourself and your actions.
- Self-centeredness means you think you are superior and entitled to special treatment. With self-love, you view everyone as equals and worthy of being treated kindly; you are not any more deserving of good things than others are, but you still do deserve them and are going to be there for yourself.
- Self-centeredness hyperfocuses on perfection. Self-love is about realizing that you, like everyone else, have flaws and room for growth. Sometimes self-love looks like realizing you did something hurtful to someone else that you regret, and choosing to give yourself the opportunity to improve and do better next time. You realize that you did something wrong, but also realize you are not a bad person and you are capable of growth.
- Self-centeredness looks like cutting everyone out, except for those who constantly validate you, think you’re infallible, and always say “yes” to you. Sometimes self-love isn’t about surrounding yourself only with people who validate you, because sometimes those who care about and love you the most are the ones who are able to honestly say “no” and can compassionately call you out when you’re not doing what’s best for you and others.
What about boundaries? Is it selfish to set boundaries with others? What if you feel bad when you set a boundary? No–setting a boundary is not selfish. Sometimes, it can feel that way, especially when our boundaries and self-worth were constantly stepped on in our early lives. Setting a boundary is not telling someone what to do or being controlling. Boundaries are crucial for your well-being and for identifying what is yours and what is not yours. For example, your own actions are your responsibility, but other people’s actions aren’t. A boundary may look like you taking an action (leaving the situation) when someone acts in a way that makes you feel unsafe. A boundary also may look like not taking full responsibility for others’ well-being and happiness, and only giving to others what you know you are able to. (Also: you can also set boundaries with yourself–as in self-parenting!).
Self-respect and humility: core components of self-love
Self-love is about balancing self-respect and positive self-image with humility and an awareness of flaws. In fact, humility and self-awareness are not at odds with a positive self-image, and are key aspects of a whole understanding of the self. Humility–the quality of being humble about oneself–is not to be confused with low self-esteem or shame. You can be aware of your limitations while also viewing yourself as a good person with beautiful qualities and lots to offer; you just don’t see yourself as above criticism. However, having a healthy dose of self-respect is important. For example, when someone is saying degrading and demeaning things to you in a way that isn’t constructive or helpful, you know not to trust or take it to heart. You may even call this person out for their lack of respect, if you feel safe to do so. Over time, you will learn to trust your intuition on whether your thoughts or actions are coming from a place of self-respect or arrogance, and from a place of humility or low self-esteem. Listen to your inner teacher.
Self-love looks a bit different for everyone, and at different times
Remember, self-love sometimes looks like taking a break from work, and sometimes it looks like doing the work. Sometimes, it looks like working out your body, and sometimes it looks like taking a day off to rest and recover. Maybe self-love for you, today, looks like bringing up a boundary or expressing your concerns to a partner. Maybe it’s making a compromise with your partner and being gentle on them, because it will improve things for the both of you. Maybe yesterday self-love was going out with friends and making conversation with strangers, and maybe tomorrow it’s spending the day enjoying your own solitude. But, how can you tell?
Ask yourself: “am I respecting my mind, body, and spirit in doing this?” or “is this contributing toward creating my highest self?”. If the answer is no, then you might want to try something else. I always recommend yoga (which is for anyone and everyone!), mindfulness, breathwork, or even hugging yourself! Remember: you don’t need to be perfect or achieve great things to be your own best-friend or loving parent, and to be worthy of giving yourself kindness, love, and effort. Self-love isn’t self-indulgent, nor is it selfish. It is simply taking care of your needs so you can be your highest self and love others as best as you can.