We’ve all heard this advice: let go of what you can’t control.
But how the hell am I supposed to do that? If it was so simple, therapy would go out of business. Repeating this over and over again and telling myself to let go does shit to accomplish that. Like yeah, I know that no amount of worrying will change the outcome. Maybe I need to let go of my need to control my ability to let things go…ugh.
But one day, I actually came across some really useful advice. While it’s also not a foolproof cure-all (again, this shit isn’t easy), it’s been essential for me to get some semblance of peace of mind. I think the advice was meant for treating symptoms of OCD (don’t quote me on this), but it went something like this:
When you are worried about something you have no control over, say to yourself in a matter-of-fact way: “maybe it will happen, maybe it won’t”. Or maybe when it comes to something in the present, like whether your ex is thinking about you, you can change it up and say: “maybe they are, maybe they aren’t”…
I’m not exactly sure why it helps, but I think it just allows yourself to radically accept both ambiguity AND the possibility of the *undesirable* outcome being true. It allows you to just nonchalantly accept the lack of control over the outcome you just spent hours or days preoccupied with. It’s like: so what? Life goes on. It might be hard– really, really hard–but you’ll be fine. Something that once seemed so big and scary becomes reduced to just a speck in the much more important and grand thing that is your life, which itself is a speck in the much more infinitely grand universe. It’s a comforting kind of detachment. No matter what happens, you’re still going to find a way to live some version of your best life.
But with all that said, you don’t have to surrender to everything that happens to you and completely give up your sense agency. Instead, you can use this energy you now have saved up from not giving a fuck about all the out-of-control things you used to worry about. Specifically, you can use this energy on the set of things you CAN control. It’s empowering to be able to spend all of this mental energy you never knew you had on just yourself. Now, what do you have control over? Let’s list it out. (Disclaimer: keep in mind, this is not a concrete, complete, or objective list, and I am not qualified to give out any perfect wisdom. This is just based on my experience and what has worked for me. I welcome any criticism and commentary).
In your control:*
(*or what should be in your control. We understand that there can be abusive situations or coercion that compromises your ability to do these things)
- how you react to what you can’t control
- your behavior
- choosing to stand up for yourself in any capacity you are able to
- being authentic
- reparenting yourself
- the information and energy you choose to send out to the world
- doing what you think is right and striving to live by your values
- being respectful and kind toward others
- how you respond to what happens to you
- forgiving yourself or others
- your own narrative
- setting your boundaries
- the amount of effort you spend into improving others’ lives (however, note that you can’t control the outcome)
- how you respond to your past mistakes
NOT in your control:
- other people’s behavior
- other people’s opinions and perceptions of you
- other people’s judgements about your life and personality, even if it’s completely wrong
- what other people decide to do with the information you tell them
- other people’s perceptions about life
- other people’s thoughts and preferences
- other people’s goals and values
- whether or not someone likes you and wants to spend time with you
- what someone does or does not say
- whether or not someone breaks up with you
- anything having to do with your ex lol
- what happened to you, the way you were raised, your past trauma, etc.
- anything in your past :/ (I’ll talk about that more below…)
The Gray AreaTM (even more up to debate):
- You cannot control people’s feelings or pain, but you can choose to do something to help them if they would like to receive help. You can try your best, and be satisfied with that, even if it doesn’t lead to the outcome you or the other person wishes for.
- You cannot control other people’s opinions and beliefs, but you can invite people to have a respectful discussion. If that doesn’t work or if people aren’t willing, you can choose to act and speak up and educate others with the hope of making a positive difference. However, you are not to blame if people don’t change their minds. One person can’t burden themselves with all of the world’s issues.
- You cannot control people’s perceptions of you, but if your life is negatively impacted in a significant way by people’s judgment or misjudgement of you, you can totally stand up for yourself and address any lies/hatred directed toward you. You can control how you react to feeling disrespected. However, many people will probably dislike you even if you’re a great person. But, as long as people’s opinions of you aren’t impacting your ability to live a good life, it is helpful to let go of caring about what people choose to think about you. It is simply impossible to please everyone, so do the self-loving thing and free yourself of that burden.
Sometimes we don’t even have control over things on or inside our very own bodies!
- your emotions and feelings
- your intrusive thoughts
- your genetics, your height, your skin, etc.
- whether or not you have or contract some diseases, or physical or mental conditions
- your sexual preferences
- but, you have control over how you react to those things!
On emotion:
Contrary to what some people will tell you, I’m of the opinion that you cannot control your emotions and feelings, nor should you try to. But, you can control how you choose to react to those feelings, whether it’s radical acceptance, going to therapy, considering medication to treat a diagnosed mental illness, or taking a step away from what’s triggering those feelings (e.g., a loud room or an argument with your S.O.). I like to think about it this way: instead of trying to control, change, or suppress your emotions, it’s better to not let your emotions control your behavior, with the goal of minimizing harm. You can try challenging irrational and unhelpful thoughts with evidence (the basis of CBT, or cognitive behavioral therapy, which I have mixed feelings about–blog post soon?), but this doesn’t always work (especially when it comes to trauma) and sometimes you just have to say “hello again, old friend” to the thought or feeling, like a familiar person passing by.
On the past:
So, as promised in the list above, I’m going to talk about letting go of the past. Maybe you did or said something you are ashamed of. Maybe you hurt someone really badly. Maybe you even hurt yourself in some way. Continuing to punish yourself by wishing to change the past will only make you a prisoner and prolong your suffering. You can’t change the past, simply put, and you feeling like shit now is neither changing the past nor making your present better. Feeling guilty about what you did to someone does shit to make them feel better. But, I also understand that pretending like the past never happened and forgetting seems to be an injustice to the harm and suffering you (or others) endured. So what can you do? The key is not to forget, but to integrate it into the bigger story of your life by learning from it and focusing on what actions you can take now to address the past harm. By learning and changing, you honor your past by viewing it as a lesson that shaped the wonderful person you are and will become. Love your past self and forgive them too. So don’t try to change them, or minimize them, or hide them, or pretend they never existed. And importantly, strive for authenticity over perfection.
Maybe this looks like self-forgiveness. You did your best with what you knew then, and simply didn’t have the tools or wisdom to do better. In the future, you can hold yourself accountable and promise yourself to not repeat those mistakes, since you know better now. You can apologize to those you have hurt in the past, if it will help you forgive yourself and may possibly mean a lot to the person. But in the spirit of this whole letting go thing, you cannot control whether they feel better from the apology, if they choose to forgive you, or if they think you’re a good person. The point isn’t to control people’s perceptions of you or to control people’s feelings. The point is to be your highest self, to respect others, and to heal. One very important thing to understand is that even after you apologize and improve your behavior, people still might think you’re a bad person. And you know what, fuck that. It might have nothing to do with you (and especially not the better version of you), and everything to do with the pain or insecurity or whatever else that person is going through. Yes, it may make you sad or angry, but for the love of everyone, just let it go. You need to accept that no matter how much you try to be a good person, people could have it all wrong and think you’re bad (and further, people have different ideas of what’s bad. I mean, there are people who think you might be bad for being gay or having a piercing, even if that’s perfectly wholesome and harmless to you and millions of others). Or they could be perfectly right about the fact that what you did was hurtful. But if they refuse to give you the chance to grow and make amends, that is not a You problem. The You problem is how you choose to react to others’ projections and behaviors toward you.
In summary, you can’t control other people, the universe, your past, and even many aspects of your body such as your shoe size or your emotions. When you feel preoccupied worrying about something you have no control over, tell yourself “maybe it’s true, maybe it’s not”. However, you can control your behaviors, learn from your mistakes, and choose to direct your energy on growth over self-punishment and being a prisoner to the billions of things you cannot control. Freedom!
TL;DR
To what you CAN’T control, say: “Maybe X, maybe not X”, i.e.: “Maybe it will, maybe it won’t” or “Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t” or “Maybe he is, maybe he isn’t”
To what you CAN control, say: “I am only responsible for my own behaviors and reactions to what happens/happened to me or within me”. In other words, you only have control over how you react to what you cannot control.