Have you ever caught yourself saying “but he’s great…for a guy” or “he’s better than other boys” or “it could be worse…I should be happy with what I have” when you catch yourself feeling unfulfilled in your relationship with someone? When you feel neglected, or find yourself always putting in a greater share of effort into maintaining the relationship or your shared space? Maybe you don’t want to leave a relationship that isn’t serving you because you don’t think you can do better; or worse, that you simply cannot find better. I had those very same thoughts, and it took me two failed relationships to realize that these fearful ideas were stemming from a scarcity mindset. For those who aren’t familiar, a scarcity mindset is the belief that there exists a very limited amount of resources, wealth, happiness–anything–to go around for the billions of people in the world. This might lead you to feel as though life is a zero-sum game. Someone else’s win is your loss, and you can only experience or obtain greatness if someone else loses something. This mindset, which may have developed as a coping mechanism to life’s stressors, or is a learned behavior from others around you, can be very detrimental to your well-being. It can make you competitive, jealous, envious of others’ accomplishments or beauty, and constantly hyperfixated on the things you want because you feel they are scarce. In contrast, it may better serve you and the people around you to develop an abundance mindset. With this mindset, you believe that there is plenty of time, resources, love, and happiness to go around for everyone. When someone else accomplishes something, you celebrate because you know that their happiness does not reduce the happiness available to you. You leave people, jobs, and environments that aren’t serving you, because you know that there are plenty of other better opportunities out there for you. And yes, you can develop an abundance mindset in love and relationships as well. But this starts with identifying where you might be having a scarcity mindset, and challenging it.
Here is my story of going from a scarcity mindset to an abundance mindset in relationships:
Liam was my very first boyfriend, who I had met my freshman year of college. While we dated for a couple of years, I found myself feeling unfulfilled by many aspects of the relationship. I didn’t feel connected to him intellectually. He never complimented me, which left me feeling undesirable. The few compliments he gave me were intimately tied to the objectification of women in pornography, which went against my values. We had quite different ideas of what love looked like and incompatible needs for quality time and words of affirmation. His comments made me feel broken for struggling with anxiety, pressuring me into “fixing” myself with medication. Despite that, I couldn’t really imagine breaking up with him. After all, he was a self-described feminist who *went to therapy*, and surely the others around me wouldn’t measure up. Compared to the more *clearly* misogynistic boys I seemed to be surrounded with, he seemed like some rare gem, even though I felt objectified, infantilized, and even at times, dismissed for my very real struggles as a woman of color dealing with unresolved trauma and an anxiety disorder. When I tried to think about what I liked about him, I could only list a few things before I got to “well, he’s not a sociopath” and “he doesn’t yell or hit me”. (Dear reader, the things you admire about your significant other should extend well beyond “they aren’t abusive”.) And when he finally broke up with me, I cried and clung to him, saying through my tears: “I couldn’t possibly find anyone else I’d want”.
Well, only a few months later, while happily single and not looking for anything, I met Michael, who I wanted, and wanted much much more than I did Liam. Thus I learned my first lesson in abundance: there is more than one person you could possibly want and love, and that will want and love you too. I wish I could say that Michael and I lived happily ever after, but a few months in, I started to have those familiar feelings of dissatisfaction, and all the corresponding justifications of unmet needs and whatever else made me feel not-so-good. And yes, these justifications were all stemming from a scarcity mindset. I felt like a broken record, bringing up my needs again and again, hoping he’d finally love me enough to give me what I needed. I eventually felt like I was begging for the things I wanted, like a partner who put as much energy into the relationship as me, initiated a conversation every once in a while, and was honest with me rather than telling lies. If I had an abundance mindset, I could replace thoughts such as “there aren’t any other good guys out there” and “this is the best it gets”, to “there are plenty of great guys (and girls and enbys) who I am compatible with”. We inevitably broke up too, and post breakup, I had thoughts such as “I hope he doesn’t find someone else, because then there will be less love for me and that means I lost the breakup”. Um no. We can both find love, and we can both find partners that are better suited to us. And there are plenty of sources of happiness other than romantic relationships for me to tap into. With an abundance mindset, I am not (as) bitter about my exes’ successes and happiness, because we both can win from the breakup. Both of us can be happier. There aren’t winners and losers. So, be happy for your ex (or toxic friend or some other person who wronged you), wish them well, and go grab yourself a piece of the infinite supply of love, opportunity, and happiness.